“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.” – Victor Borge
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” – Bernard Manning
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.” – Shirley Temple
“You know you’re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger.” – Robert Paul
“Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.” – Unknown Author
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.” – Joan Rivers
“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.” – W.C. Fields
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” – Johnny Carson
“The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” – Johnny Carson
“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know… the birth of Santa.” – Bart Simpson, The Simpsons
“The proper behaviour all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.” – P.J. O’Rouke
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